Tag: Travel

too much horror business

This past weekend, I made my first trip back to Seattle since coming out to the farm. In addition to visiting a very good friend from Jerz, I was delighted to encounter some pretty horrid anxiety attacks there.

This was completely unexpected. I used to live in a city. My lifestyle is heavily based on interacting with friendly strangers and sometimes making stellar connections. What gives? I do not know for sure, but I suspect that it has something to do with the fact that I’ve been living in the middle of nowhere for the past two months, with a small circle of less than a baker’z dozen people constituting my entire social life..

I also wasn’t used to the traffic. The congested roads which seemed to be swallowed up by all the buildings surrounding them. The pervasive gray dampness. And all_those_people. Sweet jebus.

My friend and I went to see Mirah perform at a Cathedral Saturday night. I was already really flustered and starving by the time we arrived. I made some major mistake at the parking garage, which prompted the lady working there to chase my car down and scream at me. I have been learning so much at the farm that information such as “how to use parking garage” just started slipping out my ears. I apologized profusely to the nice lady and explained to her that I don’t use parking garages very much anymore, but “I can milk goats, now.”

Aaaaaanyway,when my friend started walking slowly up the church aisle in search of a good seat, I straight up froze. I crouched and hastily crept up behind my friend like a fat kid trying to sneak into the kitchen, grabbed her shoulder, and begged her to sit in the back row with me. “I’m really sorry,” I said, “but I’m kind of freaking out here.”

Mirah’s angelic voice swirling around the cathedral definitely helped me calm down fast, as did the lollipop I had snuck in with me. Lollies help me focus and relax for some reason. It also felt wonderfully impish to suck on one in a church.

I carried my leatherman and a bandana in my pockets and noticed that the people around me smelled more like flowers than animal poop. I sat on the floor in a hotel room full of soft, cushy, CLEAN pieces of furniture. I worked mushrooms and/or goats into every conversation.

So, yeah, it was kind of weird, but overall a great trip to the city. I remember my first drive from Seattle to Royal City. As I passed through the mountains (btw- the drive East through the Cascades is way nicer than the drive West), into the vast emptiness on the other side, I thought to myself, “oh man, there is NOTHING out here!” This time, I saw the open space and felt it welcome me like a giant warm blanket fresh from the dryer. I let out a sigh of relief and felt happy to be in the place I’ve chosen to plant myself for the next 6 months. I don’t know if this weird spazzy behavior will continue for future trips into the city or not.

In other news, I’m eating so much freaking goat milk/cheese/ice cream/whey from Penny that I think she believes I’m her kid.

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oh, goats

I’m a loner, Dottie, a rebel.

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Real free range chickens. You never know where one is going to pop up.

I have some terrible news. Four of the baby goats that I wrote about last week died. They all belonged to the same mother, and she’s very, very sad. The day after they were born was a cold and blustery one (we get 40 mph winds out here) and in addition to the four goat casualties, the entire asparagus field froze. Needless to say, morale was very low on the farm that day.

It was the first really awful day I’ve had out here, so I guess we were about due for a reminder of how hard life can be sometimes. I just wanted to curl up in a ball with my roommate’s dog and watch sci-fi movies all day, but calling out of work just isn’t an option here.

It was also (not surprisingly) the first day I felt really lonely. I’m out here all alone on a farm full of freaking couples. Ew. Blek. (jk). Not only am I without a close friend, but I’m also the only one who doesn’t have a close friend on the farm or in a town nearby.

Realizing this made me evaluate my situation more closely. Why I decided to come all the way out here, what I’m trying to accomplish, and how it compares to my previous experiences traveling alone in far-off places.

In 2010, I traveled around South America a bit by myself, hoping to do some major soul-searching, transformation and self-development. However, I was also kinda sorta trying to maintain a long-distance relationship which turned out to be emotionally and physically abusive. We were in contact every day. A friend I had met while volunteering in Perú even mentioned that she recalled my relationship “strongly affecting” me when I was there. I was only really on my own during a 4 week yoga detox in the Amazon, when I told my boyfriend I didn’t think we should be in contact. Looking back now, it seems like half of me was still living my old life in the US the entire time.

Whatever progress toward healing I had made in South America that year quickly dissipated upon returning to my home state. I tried to fall back into my old life, which felt even more uncomfortable than it had before I left. Tight. Restrictive. Itchy.

Whatever it was that led me to up and leave in the first place (maybe I’ll ponder that later) was unresolved. I didn’t really do it right the first time, but now I’m pretty sure I got me right where I want myself. Feels good. Yes, I am lonely sometimes, but I’m also very grateful to be single and free.

The first time I heard this song was on a 13 hour bus ride which marked the beginning of a journey that would change my life forever.

I’m right where I want to be, doing what I want to do, and it was all my idea. I remember a conversation with a co-worker at the camping store I used to work at back in NJ. It was sometime during the remarkably long and drawn out process of separating from my ex-boyfriend. He told me I “need a man.”

“I don’t need a man,” I corrected him, “I need a saxophone, a dog, and to move out of my parents’ house.” Those were my priorities. I wouldn’t even entertain the  possibility of another relationship until I had those things.

Welp, now I pretty much have everything I wanted, except the dog technically belongs to my roommate. I got it all. Everything I asked for. Thing is, I still don’t want a boyfriend. I couldn’t be happier with my life just the way it is right now. Why would I want to go and change it? Besides, Nikola Tesla died a virgin and there isn’t a single person reading this who doesn’t owe their happiness to him <3deadgaynerdcrush<3

It’s as if I’ve found some kind of peace and stillness that’s really comforting. However, with all that said, I can already feel the ground rumbling from far off in the distance.. Peace and stillness never last very long. Something major is going to happen to shake my life up, and it’s coming in the next few months, so I’m focusing hard on being present and APPRECIATING EVERY MOMENT RIGHT NOW WHILE I CAN.

The cheese stands alone.

I feel like I should close this one with a namaste or something.

namaste, yo.